Narcissists are misunderstood. They are very positive in everything they do, moreso than most men who marry. The main complaint against them is that they are selfish. This is not true. They are entitled. That’s a big difference! Why are they entitled? In the first year of life during the splitting process about 12 % of infants became entitled. We don’t understand the process, but we know that those infants had no control over becoming entitled. Becoming entitled gave them a great advantage over others. Every businessperson and salesperson envies them for their ability to make money so easily and acquire anything that money can buy–except love. Is that so?
I thought so for a long time, but then I changed. Why? You have to understand the main difference between men and women to understand the uniqueness of the narcissist. Women feel love mostly through their emotions. Tell a woman you love and need her and her heart melts. A man experiences love most through having sex. The narcissist expresses love best through giving gifts. Think about how each falls in love. She feels love by sweet and tender words from a man. He feels love when making love. The narcissist feels love by having his gifts accepted. In a deepening relationship all three experience love through sweet words, making love and having their gifts accepted.
What about infidelity? According to Jesus and anybody smart enough to think, infidelity begins with seeing and having feelings for a person other than one’s spouse. It is not the fulfillment of those thoughts and desires in the act of sex. How many women feel bored or unloved and fixate on another man? How many men do the same for another woman? The narcissist feels entitled to a wife and as many extramarital affairs as pleases him. Well, at least that’s the theory. What prevents infidelity in all three? Love. Feeling loved. Being loved.
So why is infidelity most often given as the reason for unhappiness with a narcissist? That is a very complicated question that I don’t have time or space to answer here. Besides, that question is different for every couple, narcissist or not. If you are in relationship with a narcissist and want to know the answer for you, contact me and let’s talk about it. Don’t put it off. Don’t think you will find the answer in the Internet or a book or a friend’s advice. Your answer lies in how you relate to your narcissist and that is complicated. I will tell you this, however. You have a person who wants to love you and wants you to love him. Both of you need expert assistance in loving one another and I’d love to help bring about the success of your love.
Lane A Stokes, LPC CounselingServicesAtlanta.com 404-487-1956
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