How Sexual Fantasies May Harm Your Work


One of the favorite sexual fantasies of both men and women is that of stripping or being stripped naked in front of other people. The naked person is then forced to do certain acts that humiliate him or her. Such acts normally are to be made to walk outside naked, describe sexual parts, which are considered too small or misshapen, and imagine people in the room making fun of those parts. Often the fantasy entails the person being tied up, maybe blindfolded and instructed to refer to the captors as “Your Majesty” or other humiliating expressions of subservience. For those with more masochistic personalities, the person may be whipped or threatened to be burned with lighted cigarettes. Sadistic personalities will have the self tortured by any number of methods. The purpose of the fantasy is to feel humiliated.


Many professional and non-professionals believe that such fantasies have no meaning except to give the person pleasure. They insist that having such fantasies do not harm the person in any way. I disagree. For the first part, those fantasies are the result of shaming experiences from the person’s past, especially childhood. Secondly, creating the fantasies speak of the need to be humiliated.


How does the desire or need to be humiliated affect persons in business? For the new business owner the subconscious or unconscious mind could cause the business to fail to fulfill the person’s need to feel humiliated. Having to admit to friends and business associates that he or she has failed causes feelings of shame and humiliation. For the salesperson, having to admit to few sales at sales meetings when others are ringing the bell causes feelings of shame and humiliation. Few sales managers have the psychological training to understand how the salesperson can sabotage his sales to meet his or her own goals of humiliation—and neither can that salesperson. As a psychotherapist I have witnessed direct correlations between my client’s fantasies of humiliation and their business productivity.


Should you live in Georgia, USA and come to suspect that there is a correlation between your sexual fantasies or thoughts and your work productivity, feel free to contact me at


Lane A. Stokes, LPC, M.Div, SMHC

How Not to be Lonely

All of us get lonely from time to time, some more often than others. Let me tell you a simple way to stop being lonely. Don’t distract yourself by calling a friend or watching TV because the lonely feelings will come right back. Just feel lonely and don’t fight it. What? That sounds crazy! Haven’t you ever heard the saying, “Ride the horse in the direction he’s going”? Loneliness is not a real feeling. Sadness is the real emotion in loneliness. Just let yourself feel sad–UNLESS YOU ARE SUICIDAL! If you have a tendency toward feeling suicidal do not use the exercise, but if you are not suicidal, this is a great way to stop feeling lonely. Just feel sad and in about 20 minutes you won’t feel sad anymore. Better still, try to feel more lonely. Think of times you have felt lonely. Pour it on. When the loneliness subsides and goes away, it will come back in a few days or weeks. Do the exercise again and you will find that the sadness goes away quicker and then even quicker the next time. In time, when you feel lonely and just begin to allow it to happen, those sad feelings will evaporate. It is called “Riding the Horse in the direction the horse is going”. It works for other things as well.




Anger an Antidote for Depression and Sadness


Nobody consciously enjoys feeling depressed or sad. Unconsciously, when these emotions come for any number of reasons, the unconscious mind will conjure up anger to bring relief. Anger gets the pulse rate up and this makes the depressed or sad person feel better. The problem for couples and families occurs when family members do not know this truth. They unconsciously act out anger in words or actions, which usually cause hurt feelings in another or cause anger in the other resulting in an unnecessary argument. The same is true for employees in a business. In counseling couples and families (and employees) I’ve often had to educate or remind family members of the fact to bring arguments to an end. Because emotions are felt and expressed before the brain engages to remind the self of the unconscious expression, learning to be aware of anger being expressed to overcome feelings of sadness or depression can take a long time.


Angry expressions are not the best use for overcoming uncomfortable feelings of depression or sadness. Exercise has long been a good antidote. Watching action movies also gets the blood pumping, as can exciting football games. And let’s not forget the magic of sex. Hadn’t you rather make love to your partner instead of screaming or throwing something at him or her? Well—I hope so! (Sex is not recommended for employees)


In order to know when an angry outburst is on the way, one learns what triggers the reaction. Few people can recognize the triggers without professional help because recognition has to do with perspectives of the personality. A person usually perceives the self from one perspective and gets stuck in that mode, whereas the licensed therapist can see several perspectives at the same time, notice how they interrelate and show the client how to recognize the triggers through the perspectives.


If you live in the Metro Atlanta Georgia area and continue to create problems with angry expressions in your family or work, contact Lane at for a free consultation. Together, we can find your triggers and learn more acceptable ways of expression.



Purposes of the Therapist



The Purpose of the therapist is to cause the client or clients to talk. Self-help books and the Internet list every subject necessary to make the individual or couple happy, but those individuals are too shy or afraid to talk about what is needed. People hire therapists to help them talk.


A second reason the therapist is necessary is to detect problems within the personality of which the person is unaware and to bring about healing.


A third reason people hire therapists is to be able to view their issue from every conceivable perspective. Clients often get stuck in thinking of their dilemma in only one or two ways, whereas the therapist can see the issue from many perspectives at the same time. Such information usually gives the client the ability to resolve the issue by the self.


Lane Stokes is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Atlanta GA ready to serve your needs. See his videos and information at

and contact him for a Free Consultation at 1-800-989-8037 or email




Is a Divorce Recovery Plan useful for everybody? No. A person having the Dependent Personality Disorder will literally snag the next warm body that passes by. Likewise, there is the man who cannot imagine not having a woman to cook his meals and wash his clothes “ and will be looking around at the funeral” for his next mate. Such people have no use for a Divorce Recovery Plan because the main purpose of the plan is to insure that the next person one marries is not just the same person as before but with a different face. It is a fact that without a Divorce Recovery Plan most people will choose the same type of person as before and suffer another divorce. Using a plan, the person has time to discover what led to the divorce and how to change his/her values so that the next marriage will be happier and will last much longer. I welcome those who are considering divorce to engage in this plan to get a healthy head start in the process.


The first thing I do when someone signs up to take my Divorce Recovery Plan is to find out if he or she has hired an attorney. Every divorcing person needs one unless the divorce is clearly amiable and then only one attorney is needed who knows the laws of the state pertaining to divorce and who will file the divorce in court. For many, Mediation is being used when the divorce is not amiable. If Mediation is not chosen, then each will have an attorney and I make sure that my client hires a “Family” Attorney that he/she is comfortable talking with. Recommendations for attorneys are usually best from a friend or coworker who was satisfied with the lawyer’s services. I ask if there might be a danger that one or the other might clean out joint bank accounts and suggest that they liquidate joint accounts together and put the money in singular accounts. I also suggest that instead of the couple talking to each other about legal matters, that they let their lawyers do the talking. Since friends are bad about offering legal advice about divorce, I urge my client to ignore such advice.


Then I create baselines as a reference so that later each may judge progress made.


  • 1) The first baseline and a way to help the person vent is to ask him/her to tell me all the ways he/she believes that the other caused the divorce. This might take most of the session. Then I ask the person to tell me all the ways he/she might have caused the divorce. This begins the process from the very beginning of the person accepting responsibility for his/her participation in the divorce.
  • 2) I ask the person to describe who he/she was during the marriage. This is good as a homework assignment because writing it down is always the best way. Likewise, I ask the person to describe the self now that he/she is single. The person may describe the self as the same in both cases. This will change during the course of the recovery period.
  • 3) “Name the friends from your marriage that you think that you will lose now that you are a single person” is the third question. Then “Name the friends from your marriage that you will keep as a single person”. Realization that one is losing friends spurns him/her toward finding ways to acquire new friends and acquaintances.


Next, I have the person set 5 goals for the immediate future with times to meet those goals. This can be very difficult for some. For others, these goals are what they have anticipated since their first thoughts of getting divorced. Some seek a healthier lifestyle, more satisfying sex, a change of jobs and accumulation of wealth, or a return to school for an advanced degree. The selection is endless depending on what one desires.


Are there children involved? The physical needs of children will be cared for as always, but in the beginning of a Divorce Recovery Plan, how much time does one spend taking care of the emotional needs of the children? In this case, the philosophy is the same as for airlines. When the oxygen masks drop, the parent is to place his or her mask on first and then the child’s so that both may survive. But there are basic questions that must be answered for children from the beginning:


  • 1) From the beginning of your friction with your ex, did you share with your children what the arguments were about or just let them figure it out the best they could?
  • 2) How soon before the divorce did you sit your children down to tell them you might be divorcing?
  • 3) Did you tell them why?
  • 4) Did you assure them that it was not their fault?
  • 5) Did you tell them where they might be living and how often they would spend time with each of you?

These questions must be answered for children for the very beginning and if not then, now. The parent must consider each question as the tip of an iceberg representing deeper emotional fears. Each question must be answered with love and patience. Beyond that, the emotional needs of the parent must come first if both child and parent are to survive. No child is served by the emotional breakdown and possible hospitalization of a parent.


Of course, every person getting a divorce is different. One lady was so relieved at her divorce that when her ex moved his last box out of her house, she flung open all the windows and played “Alexander’s Ragtime Band” on the piano as loud as she could for a long as she could. Such a person could take care of all her children’s emotional needs without a problem. Others are so shocked and bewildered that they can hardly function and there are others all in between the two extremes.


Next, we begin the discovery of where the client is as far as needs and will proceed in bringing about Divorce Recovery at the pace of each client. Many traditional counselors teach that divorce recovery takes 2 to 3 years. For some it may, but for others it will take only a session or two. We will begin with the lady who played “Alexander’s Ragtime Band”.

From Lane For You


Being Bullied is a Compliment

To be bullied is a compliment. To be cyberbullied is a huge compliment. The bully is seeing in the person bullied some attractive quality that the bully believes that he or she does not have. This quality is often a stand-alone self-confidence, brilliance, wit, skill or personality trait that the bully envies. The torment of not having or knowing how to possess that trait causes the bully to torment that object of admiration. Unfortunately, the bullied cannot see the teasing or being picked on as a compliment because he or she is too busy focusing on self-depreciation, which seems the norm in most cultures rather than self-appreciation, which is treated almost as a sin. Self-depreciating attitudes and behavior are commonly exhibited in social withdrawal, depression, falling grades, being too sick to go to school, etc. In extreme cases, self-loathing can cause suicide—bullycide as it is now called—or homicide. Nowhere is a better example of this than Columbine High School in April 1999 when two boys killed 12 classmates and a coach.

The boys felt picked on and snubbed for over a year at Columbine. Their smoldering self-loathing and resentment suddenly erupted in gunfire. At the time, few seemed to understand why the boys killed and wounded so many “innocents”, but as information was gathered from the boy’s journals, writings and websites, that which became evident about the relationship between the bullies and bullied helped to shape professions of education, law enforcement, psychology and others going forward. School counselors are now more aware of the dynamics of bullying and had they known before April 1999, this tragedy could most likely have been prevented. Professional counseling is key in helping the bullied interpret the teasing and tormenting as complimentary.

Professional counselors are trained to mirror for their clients the many facets of the personality is such a way that the client can better understand the self and take action to correct issues that are causing discomfort or pain. For the bullied, counseling provides a sanctuary where he or she can safely discover and discern the truth about the self in relationship to those who torment. It is allowing the bullied to feel good about him or her self, to feel complimented about whatever it is that the bully or bullies envy. During the counseling the client can learn how he or she unconsciously or consciously participates in or perpetuates the bullying. Professional counseling trains the client to feel more self-confident and strong in the face of the bullying and in many cases learns to help the bully gain what he or she envies, thus stopping the bullying.

Being bullied is a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, like rape, that can ruin a person’s life if not properly treated by a professional counselor. Many adults can still break out in a cold sweat when they remember being held down and humiliated by a bully in grade school. The problem is “charged memories” that cause the same emotions felt during the bullying i.e. helplessness, fear, to control the body at any age.

For those children or adults who suffer from being bullied in Metro Atlanta Georgia, Lane Stokes is available to help. He is a Professional Counselor with 30 +  years experience and can be contacted for a free consultation at or by phone at 1-800-989-8037.

Lane-Stokes-Professional-Headshots-005-450-X-450 From Lane

Lane Stokes
Counseling Services Atlanta
Tel: 1-800-989-8037

Please disregard the email address given above and use

Do not use the 800 number. Best numbers are 404-487-1956 or 770-809-6351