Sex Addiction may be real but I have never seen it in my counseling office. “Sex Avoidance” would be a better term. The man’s inability to relate to his girlfriend or wife when sex is involved would be even a better way to describe it. He is uncomfortable with intimacy more than he is sex. Instead of talking to his girlfriend or wife about their relationship, he flirts or Snap chats with other women. He is more comfortable looking at naked pictures of other women than the naked body of his girlfriend or wife. Watching videos of others having sex is less threatening and more exciting than participating in sex with his girlfriend or wife. Masturbating five times a day is an effective way to drain the energy and sexual desire necessary for engaging his girlfriend or wife in sex. Effective treatment for so-called sex addition is getting to the causes of his fear of relationship. The main component is always shame and it is one of the most difficult emotions a man can face. “Sex Addiction” is increasing worldwide due to the extensive use of texting, which does not express emotion, allow one to see the other’s body language or read the hundreds of social cues so necessary to relationship. Then when the “texter” finds him or she having to relate by using the voice and facial expressions to communicate with the other more intimately, he doesn’t know how.
But let’s not say that the “Sex Addiction” or avoidance of relationship is exclusively male. Many women do not feel comfortable with the sexual or intimacy aspects of relationship either. They still mask their own discomfort with the traditional excuses of “I’m too tired”, “I have a headache”, “I’m about to have my period” and so forth. Little girls grow up relating better due to lack of boundaries with their mother and other females, but when it comes to sharing intimacy with a male, they often find themselves at a disadvantage. Texting has also put them at a greater disadvantage.
I believe that one advantage I offer as a counselor is that I am male. Men are more comfortable and open talking about masturbation and attitudes toward women with another male. Another advantage is my experience with having talked to so many men and women about their own sexual practices, some of which are really weird. I’m comfortable talking details about men’s sexual practices, which is necessary when showing the “sexual addict” what is interfering with his relationships with women. Treating “Sex Addiction” is not something that can be done quickly. Gimmicks do not work. Relationship with the “addict” takes time, but it does not require weekly counseling sessions.
If you are the girlfriend or wife who is troubled about the attitudes and behaviors of the man of your life or you are the man himself who believes that you are sexually addicted, email or call me in Roswell Georgia and let’s chat about what you need and want. I look forward to hearing from you.
Lane A. Stokes, L.P.C., S.M.H.C., M.Div., M.S., C.P.E.